having a lifelong insecurity!
Out of all the years on this earth, I would say 2019 is truly the one that forced me to face several of my fears and insecurities in the face and really get to the root of why. For years I have battled with the ability to say what’s on my mind & express how I really felt about certain situations. If I expressed anything, it came with sugarcoating my true feelings, worrying about how it would make the other person feel. My insecurity with communication has been a battle - I've finally decided to face & conquer this insecurity.
Let me clarify:
Not the ability to speak & say words – communicating my true feelings when they needed to be expressed. There are times in my life where I have truly expressed my feelings, but only in extreme situations (i.e. a breakup, a misunderstanding, etc.) OR jokingly or through sarcasm. But to truly communicate that I don’t like something straight out and straight forward – NEVER!
Throughout my youthful years, let’s just say I’ve nailed down the actual & factual reasons why I took responsibility in cutting off my ability to communicate my feelings effectively. In a span of 20 years, that burden has been so deeply interwoven in every aspect of my life to the point where I found myself beating myself over situations where I should have communicated better to hopefully get a better outcome.
Then in 2019, I faced that beast, got over myself, and kept it moving.
2019 has been the year that made me FINALLY wake up, forgive myself, and show myself more grace and mercy.
Since this realization, I found myself truly paying attention to how I react when I have a feeling about something. Then I asked myself WHY and allowed myself time to figure out the answer. Sounds simple to most, but I have never done that before. I always believed in truly trying to understand other people and their feelings. Anything that could take the focus off of myself and not face what ugly feelings I had inside made me the ultimate people pleaser. I wanted to be liked. I never wanted to give someone something negative to say about me. I wanted for people to know that someone understood them…even though I’ve gone almost my entire life feeling completely misunderstood. Whenever my feelings came into play, I had to downplay them. Defend them. Apologize for them. Feel guilty about them.
2019 found me on the opposite end of the spectrum than I’m used to with some. It was uncomfortable as ever, but you know what? Growth isn’t always uncomfortable AND my growth isn’t for others – it’s for me! No apologies for it, not feeling guilty for it, no explanations needed. Sorry, not sorry.
Let me clarify:
Not the ability to speak & say words – communicating my true feelings when they needed to be expressed. There are times in my life where I have truly expressed my feelings, but only in extreme situations (i.e. a breakup, a misunderstanding, etc.) OR jokingly or through sarcasm. But to truly communicate that I don’t like something straight out and straight forward – NEVER!
Throughout my youthful years, let’s just say I’ve nailed down the actual & factual reasons why I took responsibility in cutting off my ability to communicate my feelings effectively. In a span of 20 years, that burden has been so deeply interwoven in every aspect of my life to the point where I found myself beating myself over situations where I should have communicated better to hopefully get a better outcome.
Then in 2019, I faced that beast, got over myself, and kept it moving.
2019 has been the year that made me FINALLY wake up, forgive myself, and show myself more grace and mercy.
Since this realization, I found myself truly paying attention to how I react when I have a feeling about something. Then I asked myself WHY and allowed myself time to figure out the answer. Sounds simple to most, but I have never done that before. I always believed in truly trying to understand other people and their feelings. Anything that could take the focus off of myself and not face what ugly feelings I had inside made me the ultimate people pleaser. I wanted to be liked. I never wanted to give someone something negative to say about me. I wanted for people to know that someone understood them…even though I’ve gone almost my entire life feeling completely misunderstood. Whenever my feelings came into play, I had to downplay them. Defend them. Apologize for them. Feel guilty about them.
2019 found me on the opposite end of the spectrum than I’m used to with some. It was uncomfortable as ever, but you know what? Growth isn’t always uncomfortable AND my growth isn’t for others – it’s for me! No apologies for it, not feeling guilty for it, no explanations needed. Sorry, not sorry.
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